Summer. It’s a nice season. I dig it.
If you have some salmon, try doing this to it. If you don’t have any salmon you could buy some, or don’t. I can’t make you do anything. Your destiny, your life, they are your own. Cede them to no gods, no masters. Live on your feet. Eat salmon on your feet. Do everything on your feet except put Vibram™ “shoes”.
1. Get some salmon. Look at it. Take off all its skin. Look at it some more.
2. Rub it very lightly with olive oil. Or maybe grapeseed oil. Some oil you have that isn’t lamp oil or baby oil. A cooking oil, is what I’m getting at.
3. Mix 1/4 tsp. of the following: black pepper, paprika, onion powder, cumin, coriander, salt. Take that mixture and rub it all over your oily salmon. Yeah, like that. Just like that. God that is so hot.
4. Set that salmon somewhere that isn’t on fire or in an oven or the garbage or whatever while you do the next few steps.
5. Peel and pit an avocado. Either slice it into thin wedges or tiny mashable chunks. It’s all about how artsy you want it to look when you serve it. Personally, I’m a mash it all up into a paste kind of guy. But that’s me. I’m me. You’re you. We’re not each other, unless I’m reading this.
6. Put those slices or chunks into a bowl. A mixing bowl. A bowl big enough to add other ingredients and possibly stir them around.
7. Take a small red onion or a shallot (again, your choice) and either slice into thin rings (artsy) or mince into little bits (blue collar). Add to avocado bowl.
8. Take a jalapeño. Mince it up real tiny. Save some of the seeds. Put them shits in that bowl, son. Word is bond.
9. Chop up some cilantro. I don’t know how much. Some. Enough to go into the bowl and be visible and balance out some heat. Put it in the bowl, don’t just imagine it.
10. Juice a lime or two. Depends on how juicy your limes are, if you know what I’m saying. What I’m saying is that the juice content of your limes will determine how much you need. In the bowl with that juice.
11. You can add some corn, if you like corn. Won’t hurt anything. I add some thyme too, just for shits and giggles. You don’t have to add either, but whether you do or not now would be a good time to toss in a little olive oil and some salt and pepper and taste the bowl contents. Are they delicious? Cool. Not so delicious? Adjust cilantro, lime juice, salt and/or pepper as necessary until they are. It’s your tongue, man. Chances are I’ve never even seen it. Do whatever makes it happy. (If you opted for arty slices, stir carefully. If not, mash that shit up and squish it all around. Just really make a mess of it.) Then set it aside.
12. If you’ve got some rice, this meal goes good with rice. If you don’t have rice, fuck it. Who needs rice? Nobody, except people who subsist mainly on rice.
13. Do you have free gas grills on your roof deck like me? No? You need a crazy Russian landlady with a squinty eye, my friend. That’s how you get grilllllz. If you do have a grill, grill the salmon. If not:
13a. Turn on your broiler with a rack pretty close to it. If you don’t have a broiler kill yourself. Just kidding. You’re very sexy. Don’t deprive the world of that. Cook the salmon in a pan on the stovetop with some oil until it’s getting pink, then pop it under the broiler to finish. Not too much. Salmon cooks quickly. If you don’t have a broiler, check this out: you just … flip the salmon over and cook the other side. HOLY SHIT. Pick your mind up off the floor. Where I just blew it. With my knowledge bullets.
14. Do you have rice? I can’t remember. If you do, put it on a plate with enough room left for the salmon. If not, just put that salmon right in the middle of the plate like the star it is. Either way, put your avocado salsa on top of that fish, and then put some combination of the former and the latter together on a fork and put that fork in your mouth.
15. You’re welcome.
Need this all up in my mouf pls.
- ohenieledam reblogged this from lauraisbored
- staceyjoy said: I think I still have a little tupperware doodad of the spice blend in my pantry.
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- theantipodeanhomo said: I love how you write - thanks for always making me smile!
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- jusqualafin said: You’re an insensitive prick. I identify as salmon and find this incredibly offensive. How dare you. You could have at least put a trigger warning. Unfollowed.
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